Writer Chris Claremont
Artist Ron Wagner
Colorist John Wilcox
Letterer Tim Harkins
Cover Dated January 1991
Girls’ School from Heck Part Two of Three
Chris Claremont’s penultimate issue of Excalibur!
Issue opens with Captain Britain and Meggan inside an empty film studio. The studio has posters for the upcoming Americanized Football that is coming to England. Captain Britain makes the awesome comment of, where is the attraction in watching hugely muscled bods in helmets and body armor thump into each other? Captain Britain much prefers soccer and cricket. Meggan likes that Americans have cheerleaders.
They notice a circus poster with some believed dead X-Men. The editorial note references Uncanny X-Men 227. Just then, they are mesmerized.
Lockheed is watching as his good friend, Nightcrawler, is trying to strengthen his teleporting skills.
Kurt loses focus and teleports upside down in the water, luckily, Rachel is there to rescue him.
There is a knock at the door, which they seem to be cool about. If I lived in a lighthouse, away from civilization, a knock at my door would make me super suspicious.
Turns out, it is Jean Grey in a very bad girlish outfit.
I really enjoy Kurt making Lockheed feel like part of the team while Kitty is believed to be missing.
Kurt gets the idea that Kitty may not be lost to time, space and the multiverse – she may be here in the Proper Marvel Universe.
Captain Britain swoops in and chokes Kurt.
Rachel has been mesmerized. Poor Lockheed has to just float there as Mesmero reveals himself.
Uncanny X-Men 111 and Classic X-Men 17, are referenced, which I like, as one is probably easier to find.
We begin the second half of the issue. At St. Searle’s School for Young Ladies. Kitty believes her classmates are still in bed, so she practices her shadow boxing.
Turns out, several of them are watching her. Phoebe Huntsman, the lead broad, is not impressed.
Kitty has gotten good at ignoring her classmates. Phoebe gets the entire student body to pretend Kitty doesn’t exist.
Headmistress Miss Rutherford comes to check on Kitty, in her room in the attic. Their special moment gets interrupted when Miss Rutherford receives a phone call, which panics her.
Kitty, being curious, sneaks down the tower and into the airduct above Miss Rutherford’s house. We learn that the school is out of money and will be shut down at month’s end, if they can’t raise the funds.
Turns out, Pheobe is also up there with Kitty. The two put aside their differences, they want to save the school.
We get to two pages that serve as a time cut for the final scene. Two people are noticing that high ranked officials keep leaving a doctor’s office. The page ends with the implication that they are really trying to find a way to stop the Shadow King with a nice footnote stating to pay attention to Uncanny X-Men. Which is some nice synergy – which one can get away with when one writer is writing everything. That is, of course, a reference to the Muir Island Saga.
Cut to inside. Mesmero is looking back at his career. He has never been that great of a planner, but he is now on the verge of his best plan yet. His plan is pretty brilliant actually. He’s not really hurting anyone, he has mesmerized officials but only with the thought that if they have a problem, they should come to him. It is as legit as a super villain can be, while still using his power.
Mesmero is upset as he remembers that two heavys are now trying to strong arm him into corrupting his plan. Their boss wants Mesmero to start influencing the officials, which will only end with Mesmero getting hurt and he knows that. The mysterious boss sent the two robots as robots can’t be mesmerized.
Turns out, Mesmero isn’t the fool his reputation will have us believe he is. Once the robots leave, Mesmero shifts back into Meggan. If the meeting didn’t go well, he had nothing to lose. Then he proves why he and characters like Purple Man are the worst, as he kisses Meggan. He makes a sick comment about how kissing is never the same with someone who has been mesmerized. I’m sure he’s done it to hundreds of women, the sicko. Mesmero is using Captain Britain to follow the robots to their master. He has a second plan, to use Excalibur to save his business.
Issue concludes with the entire student body, back at St. Searle’s. The students have gathered all of their money, and it is only mere pocket change. They can’t ask their parents for the money as surely the school has already done that. An idea of submitting themselves to a pin-up magazine is brought up and quickly quashed. Sadly, I imagine, that magazine would have sold into the millions in a modern age. There would be an outrage, but it would be offset with the saving of the school.
Kitty enters the room, she has a plan – no one wants to listen to her due to Phoebe’s demand. Phoebe enters the room and tells everyone that Kitty misspoke, they have a plan. Which is odd, did those two not talk about how they were going to present the idea? Clearly they talked some as Kitty walked into the room and then Phoebe did. One would think they would have waited to grab people’s attention once they were both present. Seems odd.
Kitty brings out a poster of the upcoming American style football coming to England – which is a great way to die the end of the issue with the beginning of the issue. Kitty wants the assembled ladies to be cheerleaders. The football team is having an open call so that the football team doesn’t have to bring along American cheerleaders. The winner gets a performance contract and a major cash prize. If one of the students win, they can give the money to the school and buy them some additional time.
To fool Miss Rutherford, Kitty offers that they all wear wigs. As that has always worked in British comedy shows, I’m sure.
Not a bad issue. I believe we don’t have to wait another year to get to issue 34 as Lockheed Month should cover it, if I’m doing my preliminary numbers correctly. Time will tell!
Shadow and Flame with Magik 